All posts filed under: Writing, thoughts

Writing and sharing thoughts on a variety of topics utilizing different genres

I NO LONGER FEAR MYSELF (poem)

there was a time when I was younger i would look into the mirror trying to remember, forgetting myself night day dizzily masquerading within around me until I crept deep inside hiding swiftly worried and fretful about my own thoughts acknowledging my differences fearing neglect but worst that outcast loss– splitting myself I trudged ungracefully, smiling always smiling inwardly imploding this nebulous dark star retreating not willing to face myself undesiring of feeling numbly shrouded in black no one comes in and nothing escapes this severe lack but belief of control and yet the sun shone brightly upon me still the moon ripped me up and in this light glowing transparent I fought to hold onto all I should have let go long ago until I surrendered bowing down to the Divine releasing my supposed flaws allowing my past to be a lesson and i learned what we all know before birth to love love thyself and love all others true there is no greater lesson love is all there is love is all that …

Pros and Cons, yo!

There is a distinct balance to everything — positives and negatives. I recalled the pro/con list concept today after catching an episode of Gilmore Girls. It’s about 12:44 am where I’m at and I’m wide awake. In the past few hours I’ve: donated to Poetry on the T and thanks to that I will have the opportunity to meet and learn from one of my new favorite poets Lloyd Schwartz – check out one of my favorite pieces of his: A True Poem become a member of the Mass Audubon Society — and so has my brother thanks to a belated graduation present from me 😛 applied to a couple of part-time jobs to support my new(er) yogic lifestyle. contemplated the meaning of life and realized there is an inherent juxtaposition between, well, everything Specifically, in the here and now, I recognize that there are two different types of insomnia: good insomnia and bad insomnia. Good insomnia involves insane productivity for mine and possibly others’ highest and best. Bad insomnia entails a downward shame spiral …

Being Sensitive

I used to *HATE* when people would call me “sensitive”, or better yet too sensitive. That just felt like the way I was and it always felt like something I couldn’t help but be. For a highly social and sociable kid I was already a writer and bookworm in elementary school. I was always feeling, always worried about the kids getting picked on in school, always watching or reading scenes on TV and in books — and then feeling them so deeply within me. On more than one occasion my mom would have to tell me “it’s just a movie,” … even to this day. And I learned to hate how I felt, in a way, I learned to be ashamed of how I perceived the world around me. And in a way I learned how to be “tough” aka wear a mask. It wasn’t until fairly recently that I realized what a beautiful gift it was to be sensitive and how truly brave it is to wear your heart on your sleeve. How amazingly …

Breathe into and out of May Mental Health Awareness

This is a piece I’ve wanted to write for a long time, as it is written on my heart. And I’m trying to open up my heart (and not call my heart “stupid heart” which I just did mentally in my mind…it’s a process, people). Anyway, it’s fitting that May is Mental Health Month. What a good tie-in to the topic I’d like to discuss. First:   It is thought that I may be bipolar [jury’s out but I don’t feel I am]. Or have bipolar tendencies. Or maybe I have something called PMDD (severe PMS – lucky me). Or maybe my MTHFR gene is messed up (I call it the motherfucker gene…someday I’ll look up what it stands for if my insurance decides to cover that test). I tried for a really long time to pretend everything was OK when for months I’d had weeks of sleepless nights, and by sleepless I literally mean some weeks where I only slept maybe one or two hours each night. I tried my best to be brave, …

True Story: I missed my last day of work

Yeah…it happened. When this SHOULD have been happening:   It’s so ironic because much of my life I’ve been quite sick (“in the head” – I can hear my mom saying that in my mind…she’s always saying shit in my head. Damnit!). Anyway, I missed my last day of work. I was stoked to resign, excited to take care of myself and my health, and of course in a hilarious very typical turn of events I ended up sick with a virus and viral vertigo. Even if I wanted to drag my sorry useless ass into work I couldn’t physically drive to get my weak little body to work.   #CLASSICALEX Plus, it rained all freakin’ week! Rain actually gives me headaches, no joke. I have my problems. Also, when I have vertigo things get extra weird. My brain is already highly unusual as is, but to make matters worse I get oddly fixated on certain things and some things really freak me out. A great example is the Snuggles teddy bear. One question: WHY? …

Now is now; be here

In my life I have experienced a lot of craziness. I think we forget we all have in our own way, we’ve all been witness to sorrow and heartbreak, trauma and depression, anger and pain, frustration and fear, but we have all also experienced happiness and joy, love and light, positivity and miracles, smiles and embraces. No matter what you’re feeling or what you’re thinking the present moment is where you should be. My friend Angela said this the other day, which may be a quote from elsewhere, and it absolutely resonates with me: “Be where your feet are”. Be grounded in the now. A lot of people my age have been placed on this fast-track toward their “successful career”. I was fortunate enough to have a mom who stayed home often to take care of and raise my brother and I, but so many have had no one around looking after them or been raised by a system whether it be the government care system or childcare. Regardless of how stable or unstable your …

Pity Party: TERMINATED

This summer I started yoga teacher training and it kicked my ass. Actually, I started kicking my own ass. So many people perceive yoga as a set of distinct poses and routines – a workout – but it’s much more than that. It’s a lifestyle. As a group we have been practicing mindfulness, watching the mind, from the start and I was feeling great. It was tough sometimes, but manageable. OR SO I THOUGHT. DUN. DUN. DUN. I started doing the opposite of what I knew I should be doing, following my mind through its self-inflicted negative thought loops like a sober “Alice” traipsing through her own self-created rabbit-hole of gloom and misery. And I found myself kind of trapped in my mind some days. I’d goad myself and repeat lies like how I’m not good enough and all this BS. I was actually thinking about things and then overthinking them to the max. I totally didn’t feel like myself at all! IT WAS LAME. It sounds silly and somewhat pathetic but some days I …