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I NO LONGER FEAR MYSELF (poem)

there was a time when I was younger i would look into the mirror trying to remember, forgetting myself night day dizzily masquerading within around me until I crept deep inside hiding swiftly worried and fretful about my own thoughts acknowledging my differences fearing neglect but worst that outcast loss– splitting myself I trudged ungracefully, smiling always smiling inwardly imploding this nebulous dark star retreating not willing to face myself undesiring of feeling numbly shrouded in black no one comes in and nothing escapes this severe lack but belief of control and yet the sun shone brightly upon me still the moon ripped me up and in this light glowing transparent I fought to hold onto all I should have let go long ago until I surrendered bowing down to the Divine releasing my supposed flaws allowing my past to be a lesson and i learned what we all know before birth to love love thyself and love all others true there is no greater lesson love is all there is love is all that …

close eyes; rise

everything I once thought chasing pavement, sullied dreams a fallacy-ridden fantasy brain-washed to believe and breathe impossibility; choices made no matter what lead to certain misery we are all born into our catch-22s with no right way only wrong ways sure to lose just another number, part of the machine until you stand up, breathe rightfully pursue your dreams heaven on earth is capable, before your eyes possibilities stream tears remembering you’re alive let your fire burn, eternal flame no more running, no more hiding, no more guilt, no more shame for every moment ever-present all is well, there’s no need to masochistically forge your own hell allow your embers within your heart to burn manifesting dreams within as you yearn for peace through universal love accepting guidance from above with each breathe in you ignite each breathe out release your light uniting as one and go forward fearlessly alight like the blazing sun bolstering the dram allow the moon to take your rest know you’re doing your very best be gentle with your heart …

Being Sensitive

I used to *HATE* when people would call me “sensitive”, or better yet too sensitive. That just felt like the way I was and it always felt like something I couldn’t help but be. For a highly social and sociable kid I was already a writer and bookworm in elementary school. I was always feeling, always worried about the kids getting picked on in school, always watching or reading scenes on TV and in books — and then feeling them so deeply within me. On more than one occasion my mom would have to tell me “it’s just a movie,” … even to this day. And I learned to hate how I felt, in a way, I learned to be ashamed of how I perceived the world around me. And in a way I learned how to be “tough” aka wear a mask. It wasn’t until fairly recently that I realized what a beautiful gift it was to be sensitive and how truly brave it is to wear your heart on your sleeve. How amazingly …

Breathe into and out of May Mental Health Awareness

This is a piece I’ve wanted to write for a long time, as it is written on my heart. And I’m trying to open up my heart (and not call my heart “stupid heart” which I just did mentally in my mind…it’s a process, people). Anyway, it’s fitting that May is Mental Health Month. What a good tie-in to the topic I’d like to discuss. First:   It is thought that I may be bipolar [jury’s out but I don’t feel I am]. Or have bipolar tendencies. Or maybe I have something called PMDD (severe PMS – lucky me). Or maybe my MTHFR gene is messed up (I call it the motherfucker gene…someday I’ll look up what it stands for if my insurance decides to cover that test). I tried for a really long time to pretend everything was OK when for months I’d had weeks of sleepless nights, and by sleepless I literally mean some weeks where I only slept maybe one or two hours each night. I tried my best to be brave, …

True Story: I missed my last day of work

Yeah…it happened. When this SHOULD have been happening:   It’s so ironic because much of my life I’ve been quite sick (“in the head” – I can hear my mom saying that in my mind…she’s always saying shit in my head. Damnit!). Anyway, I missed my last day of work. I was stoked to resign, excited to take care of myself and my health, and of course in a hilarious very typical turn of events I ended up sick with a virus and viral vertigo. Even if I wanted to drag my sorry useless ass into work I couldn’t physically drive to get my weak little body to work.   #CLASSICALEX Plus, it rained all freakin’ week! Rain actually gives me headaches, no joke. I have my problems. Also, when I have vertigo things get extra weird. My brain is already highly unusual as is, but to make matters worse I get oddly fixated on certain things and some things really freak me out. A great example is the Snuggles teddy bear. One question: WHY? …

You are not your parents

Everyone fears becoming their parents, EVERYONE. The matter is whether or not this fear is in the subconscious or the forefront of our minds. It sometimes starts with someone else pointing out how similar you are to one of both of your parents, perhaps not only in looks but also in vocal inflection and mannerism. Then you start to notice things here and there, inside jokes, anxious ticks, and even reactionary behavior due to stress in life. I’ve noticed my own little obsessive complexes that have perhaps been passed down via genes or learned behavior. Use of certain phrases or my reaction to stress which used to ALWAYS be anger. I wouldn’t ever really allow myself to get sad too often, but even as a child I could have a quick temper at times. I also had problems with addiction, not drugs or alcohol but definitely addicted to harmful behavior and thrills. I used to be a perfectionist and people pleaser, always trying to make my parents happy. It’s great to respect your parents if …